Thursday, March 17, 2011

balancing acts

Everything seems to be in a state of flux in my world ... all the time.

I used to have definable passions and interests that drove me to do all sorts of crazy, successful magic things but now, I feel like I’m in a pinball machine smacking about from one obstacle to another, not really sure where I’m going, what the purpose is, other than I will eventually roll down the black hole into nothingness. Great. It’s being so enthusiastic that keeps us going.

I had what I thought was a really good idea at the beginning of last week, started putting it into fruition and now I’ve had the wobblies, and don’t know if I should just pack the idea in and forget about it. Story of my life. it's not a unique idea for a business (internet driven) but at least one member of my family has made me think that it has readily identifiable unsavoury undertones.

Okay, well seeing as you asked ... i was thinking of starting an online adult toy website ... (cue for snarky, cheesy, smutty comments) ... i've sourced a reputable, reliable supplier in South Africa and the products are state of the art, high quality thingies; i have several new ideas that aren't being done on other sites offering these products and thought i stood a chance at starting something unique.

But now, after what my son said to me yesterday evening, i'm having second thoughts and wondering if i should just pack it all in. he seems to be concerned that it will somehow get out to his bosses that his mum owns a sex toy website and ergo, he will get fired. how he even drew that conclusion is beyond me.

I let people put me off things, I take opinions too much to heart – maybe this is a side effect of being a Libran, constantly weighing shit up, balancing this and that … in the end, nothing gets done and the whole concept/idea/fantasy loses momentum and peters out into nothing. I am trying really hard to stay positive, to keep telling myself that I’m onto a good thing with my idea, that I will end up making myself a really decent living by it and not be reliant on immigration for the rest of my days on this planet and then the niggling doubts come into the equation and I’m back to worrying, over-analysing and looking for an out. Am i? is that what I’m doing all the time? am I my own worst enemy? How to get around that? You can’t. self-help books/courses don’t work, they are a lie, designed to appeal to fucktards like me who can’t get their act together.

I am saying to myself tonight that I will try. That’s all I can do. If it doesn’t work, then tough but at least, just this ONCE I will have seen an idea through from light bulb to concrete action and results.

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