Wednesday, September 19, 2012

some part of where I am in my head right now

To try and focus my feelings as they relate only to ME is difficult at the moment because i’m constantly aware of how the move to the UK will affect so many people in our family circle. We have a big family, so the ripple effect spreads quite wide and I have had huge concerns about how this is impacting on my sons. Both my sons are quite capable of coming to the UK at any time in the future, should they so wish to and we will be spending the last month in South Africa living with my eldest son – i think this is what’s nagging at me the most.

 As a mother, you try your best NOT to display favouritism. You try your best to make sure that your displays of affection are evenly distributed amongst your children. I have four children and they are all separate individual beings with distinctly different personalities, strengths, weaknesses – so it is not possible to treat each one the ‘same’ by virtue of the fact that they are all so unique in themselves. The fact that I am going to be leaving my two sons behind, when we leave for the UK on the 6th December is creating enormous personal stresses that I am, quite frankly, ill-equipped to deal with.

I am quite aware of the fact that that they can both come to the UK to live permanently at any time in the future, should they so wish. But this does not diminish the anxiety I am feeling at the thought of having to say cheers at the airport. I know that I will see them again and probably very soon after leaving South Africa, I will be able to chat to them on SKYPE every day, email every day, speak on the phone every day ... for some reason this is not reassuring me and it should. I do not handle this type of thing very well – mainly because I am a Libran and (sorry for the non-believers amongst us but I am the text book definition of a Libran female) constantly look for balance and harmony in life, relationships, etc. etc. I am not a logical, unemotional person, so I am twisted up in knots inside and fluttering about in my head, not knowing how to deal with this at all.

Trying to find humour in the situation doesn't help me either. I am dreading going to the airport and having to hold my sons and say that 'I will see them soon', etc. etc. ... the platitudes ... I know that I will cry, they will cry, we will all bawl our eyes out. I have written both of them a letter and am keeping it to give them at the airport but that’s not enough. I want to do something really special for both of them, I want to make them understand that I am not leaving them behind, or deserting them or running away or whatever it is that they might think in the quiet of the night when nobody’s speaking out loud. I don’t honestly know how I am going to cope with not being able to speak to Andrew and David every day. Although at the moment, I only speak to Andrew once a fortnight, or when he manages to find time to come to see us. We are going to be staying at his house for the month of November and until we fly out at the beginning of December, so we will have that time to be with each other. Maybe by the beginning of December, we will all be so relieved to be out of each others’ hair that the airport won’t be such a big scary moment. But I doubt it.

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