Tuesday, July 2, 2013

some words

Well I'm slowly settling into life in the UK - every now and then I have a panic attack and can't figure out why - I suppose it's deferred stress.   We were under so much stress on a daily basis in SA that it's taken all of 6 months to get to a state that I would call semi-coma-relaxed.   

Looking after the children is taking more out of me than I initially thought it would and I have periods where I am really tired and just want to sleep. I thought last week that I was ill or something because I just felt like I could fall asleep anywhere.  That said, I think it's a really good thing that I have this responsibility and that am interacting with them both on a daily basis and wouldn't want it any other way.  I am sure that if I wasn't looking after them on a fulltime basis, that I would degenerate into a doddering old wrinkly person.   Ewan has me doing all sorts of crazy things on a daily basis and I often laugh to myself at how vital and energised he can make me feel.   Just this morning he decided that I had to show him how the inside of cars work. No problem - so I had to lift up the thingie that sits on top of the inside of the car that makes it goes fast ... and show him inside.  'Wow!' he said when I lifted the bonnet,  'Where's the long thingie nana, that you pull out ...' he was talking about the oil level thingie of course.

I think that I am happy.  I know that there are things I am not happy ABOUT but I can't change some things, so just have to get on with it. Are we ever really blissfully happy? Is there such a thing even?  I go through periods of hazy contentedness - almost like I'm on some hippy mind-numbing trip. Then I am slightly depressed at not being able to share in some event/ occasion/emotion that is happening back in SA with my other family.  Then I shrug my shoulders, speak to them on Whatsapp, Skype or XKinect and feel a bit better ... until the next time.  My youngest son stated that he was missing out on the children growing up and he felt very sad about that - which in turn made me feel sad, guilty, angry and sad again  - all at the same time.  We have done the best thing by coming here to the UK, the small niggly little things that aren't so great about the UK don't matter in the big scheme of things because the positives far outweigh any negativity.

In a couple of months my second grandson will arrive ... my son and his wife have chosen names for him already (well they had done before we left SA!) ... but I won't type his name out until after he is born, I'm superstitious of that type of shit.
I know that's going to be hard (i.e. not being there when he's born) ... but hopefully I will be able to see him in December and then after that I'll be his 'virtual nana' - I think that's rather fitting (considering he's my eldest son's child - and my eldest son, as we all know is an IT geek of note) and pretty cool actually.   

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