Friday, March 14, 2014

Off the side of my head - Friday rant ... but this is a rose.


I am right properly impressed with Next.co.uk  No, really, give credit where it's due.  Here's the saga, judge for yourself (timelines are estimates, can't remember what happened half an hour ago most of the time)

  • Was ironing daughter's blouse with the iron, the dodgy one that I normally use for fusing Tesco plastic bags. Bad idea. Iron is fucked. Iron burnt blouse. Big hole. 
  • What to do?  Felt right bad cos it were a pretty top, and all. 
  • Look at blouse and see it has a label on the back of the neck saying "Next"
  • Think, oh okay, let's check out website - any excuse to do some online shopping. 
  • Go onto Next or whatever it's called and after window shopping for a while, choose replacement top.  Not the same but it was worth having a go. 
  • Think that I'm purchasing top, send to cart, finish transaction, waiting for them to ask for my credit card details but then I get a screen that says the order is on its way (or something like that).  What?  I haven't paid for it guys!  Hello? You've made a big fucking mistake here. But thanks very much for sending me a free top ... spends rest of day grinning to herself. Thinks she's got one on the corporates.  Didn't read small print. 
  • Next day just after I'd had my coffee and marmalade toast a nice lady knocks on door with the Next bag.  Bloody hell, that was fast!  
  • There's the top. Still no bill, just a slip saying that I can return it within 10 days (or some such) and they won't be charging me for it.  If I don't return it, they will put it on my 'account' ... account?!?  Go to my account online and check out further information. 
  • I dutifully follow the instructions, like your average moron and low and behold they have given me 300 pounds credit, just sommer like that. No credit checks, no asking for my blood type. Impressed, I is. 
  • Anyhoo, daughter comes home. Absolutely hates top but is touched that her mum went to so much trouble.  
  • I hate the whole concept of returning clothes.  It is a bugbear in South Africa and very hard to do most times.  So I'm filled with a bit of trepidation ... oh fuck now I'm stuck with a top that A doesn't fit me and B I don't like now anyway but C is going to cost me money and I'm going to have to pay for it because returning stuff is the ants' bumhole. 
  • Look on slip that came with top and notice that all I have to do is put it back in the Next courier bag (that I kind of graunched when I opened it), stick on a supplied courier slip and I don't even have to phone them, I can just go to my account and select a day when nice courier lady can come and collect it back.  So I select one day hence into the future.  Repack the top into the courier bag, stick it all down with cellotape where I buggered it up previously. And put it on the sideboard near the door.  
  • Next day, Postman Pat from Royal Mail stops and bangs on my door - I open it and there is a very heavy box.  Inside it are two HARDCOVERED books - one a catalogue displaying the 2014 Spring collection of household items, furniture etc., second book is the Spring Next collection of clothing.  Bloody hell. These books would have cost in the region of 20 pounds to publish, they are substantial, printed on glossy paper! I got them for free. I love getting books for free.  Or did I?  Er ... go online and check out account.  Yep they are for free. 
  • Next day nice Courier Lady comes and collects parcel. 
  • Next day I get a lovely bulky envelope, inside is my account credit agreement, vouchers and what not. Just have to sign on the dotted line, return credit agreement in the reply paid envelope and I've got my credit.  Again, no intrusive personal questions. No asking for latest payslip, proof of residence, copy of my passport, six month's bank statements.  
  • Today I get an email saying they have received my returns and would I like to do some more shopping?. They've lopped off the price of the top (though I believe I will be responsible for the courier cost).  
  • This is service, folks and one of the reasons why newbies to the UK end up saying things like,  'Everything works!' Because it does most of the time. 
  • Forgot to mention that throughout the whole exercise, I've received regular email updates telling me where the consignment was, when I could expect delivery, what time the courier was going to arrive for the return and so on.

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