Monday, April 28, 2014

looking for an up ...

For the past few days I've been hit with a kind of melancholia ... there's no other word that fits how I'm feeling.  I do not know what is wrong but something is.  Weird.  It's like my world is a bit off kilter, not in the best shape that it could be in and I've no idea how it got like that or even less of a clue how to fix it, if it even can be fixed.  I'm teetering on the brink of having a good bawl most of the time but as far as I can see there's nothing wrong, nothing to cry about and everything to look forward to. 

The word for this is 'prescience'.  Scientists, realists, pragmatists, poo-poo the whole concept of 'other' dimensions of consciousness, or having second sight/clairvoyance but I've had these feelings on and off for most of my adult life.  I've learnt not to ignore them. 

It works on the opposite plane as well - I've had feelings of absolute euphoria on many occasions in my life.   There's been no reason to justify the sudden overwhelming sense of complete happiness, no plan about to come to fruition that I could base the 'premonition' on.  Just an unflinching, unwavering knowledge that something exceptionally good is about to happen, something that's going to change my life in a huge way.  The feeling is so strong that it forces me to walk with a spring in my step, giggle like a little girl, smile continuously all the time ... when this happened the first time, I thought I was losing it.    

With the down-prescience, that I'm in the midst of at the moment, I am gripped in a powerless state, I can't do anything about what's coming up because I can't 'see' what it is.  I become lethargic, bored, lose interest in most things.  Any task seems meaningless.  I have an intrinsic knowledge in my bones that something catastrophic is about to happen that will have a deep impact on my psyche. The inability to be able to plan ahead and avoid it, is so frustrating, saddening and worrying.  It feeds upon itself in a vicious circle and I feel like the proverbial sword of damoclese is hanging over my head.  

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