Thursday, May 15, 2014

Birdsong and cardboard boxes

Haven't written on here for a while - not really been arsed actually, I'm getting rather bored of the whole blogging thing, so might end up deleting this soon.
We are moving towards the end of this month.  I am battling to get enthusiastic, basically just thinking about all the fighting, screaming and lugging of boxes about the place is putting years on me.  I'm too old for this shit. And there is the not so small matter of packing up my art equipment and unsold canvasses.

No, I haven't found representation. But let's be honest here, I haven't exactly been applying myself and trying.   I entered an art competition where I was forced to shell out a whole twenty quid and I'm sure it will turn out to be a complete waste of money, I would have done better to use the money to buy more canvasses. 

I want to paint so much, it's starting to creep into my dreams.  I want a room to myself, flooded with light and air, music and on warm sunny days, birdsong wafting in on chirrupy wings ... why does that seem like such an impossible a dream to have?  Other people have achieved this ideal with half my talent.  Painting is all I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do if I look at my life with any degree of honest scrutiny.  I just wish someone would part with some money and buy ONE painting, then I'd feel validated and not guilty about the need to paint as much as I do.  I would be able to justify going to the garage and pulling out another canvas.  Wishing about it, isn't going to solve the problem though, is it?

Not selling paintings didn't seem to bother Vincent VG that much but he was delusional most of the time, he thought his work was being sold by his brother, instead it was just piling up in a warehouse.

"Van Gogh only sold one painting during his lifetime Red Vineyard at Arles. This painting now resides at the Pushkin Museum in Moscow. The rest of Van Gogh's more than 900 paintings were not sold or made famous until after his death."  (From the Van Gogh Gallery website - i found the link to the Pushkin Museum)

The hard realism is this - a person can't keep painting year after year, with canvasses piling up and not selling anything, eventually it becomes an exercise in futility.  So if that's the case, at what point do you decide that's when you have to stop?   Painting / Art is all I want to do, all I have the 100% drive to do - I need NO encouragement at all to paint, I know that. It is a truth about my life and what drives me on as a person.



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