Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Er ...

Soon most of us will be starting out on our journey through the next year. There are a few things that I want to see happen in my life:

  • get my book proposal accepted
  • finish writing my new novel
  • possibly sell one painting
  • visit somewhere special for a holiday
  • see my new grandchild and the rest of my family (note not top of list anymore - cos I've kinda given up on that dream for the meantime). 
  • read more good news stories in the daily news, sick of doom and gloom. 

There are a couple of things that I don't want to see or read about anymore in 2016 (wishful thinking, I know):

  • no more reports about Isis atrocities. 
  • no more fucking Kardashian 'news' updates
  • no more superhero movies 
  • no more fake-tanned, eyebrow shaved, silicone tits, 'celebrities' making news headlines 'cos they dared to show half a boob at some meaningless party.
  • no more tights worn with nothing covering the bumhole or vjayjay on seriously obese women, skinny women, hell on any women!  You should be wearing trousers, jeans, or God dammit a SKIRT people.  I'm so sick of camel toi everywhere you go and seeing skanky g-strings (or nothing) worn underneath slack or old crinkled pantyhose/tights. Why do women insist on wearing these things as OUTER GARMENTS!?   Tights should be worn under a suitably long tee-shirt, blouse or dress.  At the very least you should have a top that covers your fucking guava. It's hideous seeing all these birds swanning around with their vagina lips flapping about, or else their fanny cringes behind a crepe thin pair of overworn and overstretched tights/pantyhose. It's disgusting people!  Have some respect for children and old people, stop fucking wearing tights as outer garments! 
There. That's better. I'll go and have a lie down now. 

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Looking forward

I suppose I am a bit of a diarist … I can’t help myself, I write on scraps of paper in the car whilst waiting for the kids outside school.  I write at night when everyone's gone to sleep in bound books that I purchase specifically for the purpose - no not diaries with dates, but journal type books that I can fill when I want to.  I can't stop myself from dairising and writing my thoughts down but despite that, I always thought it was a complete waste of time, an indulgence, an obsession, a private little problem unique to me. I hardly ever read through my old diaries (and I have hundreds of them, going back to the Eighties - I used to have some from the Sixties but they were lost with the last international move) yet they are something that I always drag along with me whenever I move home and I don’t know why.  When I’m packing, I always manage to find space for the diaries and they weigh a ton!

Since the dawning of the age of the electronic blog,  I’ve semi-diarised some things about my life on and off on the internet – nothing with too much detail because I’m very suspicious of the security of information posted online, which is one of the reasons I so abhor Facebook. 

It’s only since I’ve been searching for a publisher for my book* that I’ve discovered there are publishers who focus on diarists.  This has given me a lot of food for thought and I’m hesitantly interested in the idea of compiling something to offer to such a publisher next year – maybe I’ll have more luck. 

I always believed that Diarists, good ones, didn’t write about their trivial daily grind or the hassles they have in their own lives but that they write about things of national or international importance.  It seems this is not entirely true.  So I’m going to try and find some already published diaries and see what I’m up against. 

* more on that when the current publisher has finished checking my proposal - sometime next year, or next century, they weren't very precise with dates. 

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Whoopy doo ... an LAAC ANNIVERSARY

Jesus ... five YEARS ago today I resurrected the original Life As A Carrot blog and it has evolved into what it is now ... something of a pale shadow of the one created back in 2001.   I don't post very often on here these days but I couldn't miss my LAAC anniversary, could I?
I had no idea back in December 2010, that I would eventually get to live in the UK permanently, my mother had died earlier in the year and I was planning a trip to Blightey to visit my aunts for some R & R ...

Monday, December 20, 2010

let it snow ... let it snow ... let it snow ...

but not at Heathrow
(that rhymes in a weird kinda way)

Crikey, i'm getting increasingly nervous watching the UK weather reports ... minus 27 deg C is an estimate of what temps are going to sink to this week ... wtf?!
i'm going to need the army to get me to Wales, never mind my police escort.
Oh i didn't tell you - my uncle and cousin are collecting me from Heathrow - both retired with some degree of seniority from the British Bobby service. I keep making jokes that they should just put a blue light on the car, thereby making sure they get to the airport in double quick time (in case of congestion and what not) ... they don't take me up on the joke.

every year, round about now, i get asked to 'burn' a Christmas cd - so as to create the right 'ambience' whilst we wait for the Christmas Eve din dins to cook proper like. We usually start cooking in the morning and by the time the damn turkey etc. is ready to eat, table set, candles lit, blah blah, we are all so knackered that we can't face a full plate of food. I don't do Christmas cd's very good - usually end up putting some weird stuff on just to freak people out (at least i've done that in the past when there weren't little uns running about) but this year, i've got to act grown up and do a good job. I have about three gigs of toons (Carols and the like), all the traditional and not so traditional things but somehow when they are all assembled for the family to sing along badly to (nobody ever knows all the words) they lose any kind of magic they had to start off with.

when i was a little geek back in Yorkshire (oh here we go with anecdotes, cue to all to fall asleep), we would be frog-marched from our local church into various modes of transport and shipped out to snowbound farmsteads and outlying manors. once assembled in a frozen tableau in front of the doorways, we would shiver and quake out all manner of hymns by the tonload. Ah, them were the days.

Oh well, i must stop reminiscing and get on with it. I think this year i WILL still include a Tom Waits Christmas toon (something cheery like "Just the Right Bullets")


So .... 
This new LAAC site has had a total of 16,782 page views and a total 346 posts since starting out in Dec 2010.   That's not actually very good, when you consider that my family blog, which is not open to public view, has had 10,990 page views and a total of 494 posts since it started in December 2012. 

But where's the audience? 
The original LAAC blog had an identifiable group of regular commenters, who would regularly butt in with jokes, dirty comments and wisecracks ... that stopped as soon as the new LAAC blog began, why is that I wonder?   Anyway, it is through that I met arguably my best friend in the world, Paul and nearly, but not quite, almost ended up living in Arizona.    I'm glad my life has turned out the way it has, I moaned a lot at one point about the need to leave South Africa and that's happened - I'm not sorry, don't miss it at all but yeah, I DO miss my family.  But family is just a skype away and if that's not good enough, save up a few pounds and I can be back there in a jiffy, it's all relative.

See ya.  
Next post will come out of the New Year ... so whoever's out there still reading this drivel, have yourself a merry little Christmas, remember that I love you and get completely trashed on New Years Eve, you deserve it.