Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Am I going batty? Turning into a sad old cat woman?

I wonder if I should have made more effort when I was forty to find a replacement spouse? Or at least made the effort to grab a few boyfriends on the way up to sixty.   I had lots of possibilities (weirdly, all much younger than me), plenty of internet pals, cyber-romances, web wastes-of-time but no real actual human being relationship and now I think I'm paying the price.

It's great to have your independence, to be free of the mind control ... which is often what happens in a relationship hey?  I see it all the time and it makes me mad.  It's great to be your own person, answer to yourself, sort out your own life/money/car/job - it makes you strong.  I never did that when I left school, like loads of other liberated girls of the Seventies.  I stayed at home basically until I was married and then moved into my own house, newly built, that I'd saved up for during my engagement with my then, husband.    I only ever truly found my own feet (even though it was short-lived) when I got divorced and moved into my own flat - and again I bought my own place, I didn't rent.    I was so strong, mentally, when I lived in my little flat.   

However, things didn't work out -mainly due to me losing my job, then my flat and eventually having to move back in with my Ex.   The situation became really untenable shortly after he contracted early-onset Parkinson's and we split for good when I moved in with my eldest daughter and her son-in-law.    The reasons for this were many, not least of which economics, it allowed us all to buy a large home and eventually (although we didn't know it at the time) pay for our remove to the land of my birth.

I've spent a long time living with my daughter and son-in-law, due to a variety of circumstances and reasons, all of which seemed logical and do-able at the time.  We've had battles, feuds, major fights, arguments and stand offs but I'm still living in the same house with my extended family.  Something my mother warned be against doing when she was still alive.  I didn't comprehend then but I do now.   I've lost myself and been absorbed, assimilated, like the Borg.  I've become, 'the Nana'.  Would that have happened if I'd had a partner? 

When there's 'a partner', this usually means that there's somebody there who will 'have my back' whenever I get stuck in tricky situations - either domestic arguments or general day to day life problems.  If I had a partner and was in a relationship would I feel stronger in myself?    I guess there's no point dwelling on it 'cos that ain't going to happen.  I am no longer attractive to a man because A, I have too big a mouth about my own opinions, B, don't have the giggly stupid girly thing going on (you know, where you're obliged to laugh at all his stupid jokes and agree with him all the time) and C, I just can't be arsed.

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